Selfish or self-indugent?

Last year, I had an incredibly stressful time. My future with my darling husband to be, was hanging in the balance with the harsh impersonal process of Immigration.

Whilst it felt like we were dishing out thousands of pounds, in the same speed you may mindlessly drop a pound note in the shop for milk, it is safe to say it was draining in many ways than one.

I was exhausted from form filling, intrusive thoughts of worry and what if’s. Reserving just enough energy to teach my classes; but when it came to me, I rested.

Sanjiv and I have been together on and off for 6 years. During the early years in India, I doubted and fed my fear that we were just too far apart, the cultures too different, how would it work if he moved to our little rock in the channel called Guernsey? Would he be able to find work? And could I sustain working for myself? I had worked so hard to create my own way of life, that I had always wished for.

Amongst all the craziness I had lost my home practice, my precious anchor in the fast and sometimes insanely busy world, and I was tired, not just tired, worn out.

At these testing and troubled times we have something that I recommend as invaluable to all human beings on this planet – Our Yoga Tool Box! Without it – I cannot imagine where my life would be!

Yoga is not just a physical practice (although important). Yoga also teaches me to see things from a different perspective, my ability to hear and notice that inner, more gentle and kinder voice (the one you talk to a loved one with).

I knew from the day first I met Sanjiv; as we shared ideas, thoughts and values till sunrise; that I had met my soul mate.
But goodness, during the proceeding years my mind played a lot of plentiful and painful scenarios.

Once our visa had thankfully (and with such relief) been approved, we now had our wedding to plan in less than 2 months. It was far from easy. I knew with teaching and ensuring I still had energy for my students, whilst paying the mounting bills each month, if I just sat steady and continued to hear that softer inner voice – it really would be ok …

I managed to get through what previously would have become a ball of anxious and fearful burn out, and became a little bit more ok with everything that I was doing in any shape or form to get by. (That includes eating chocolate cake, knowing that you still need to fit into your beautiful wedding dress!).

I drank red wine and aired how I was feeling over and again with my dearest friends and family. I fully vented, but instead of waking up with the worries, I allowed myself to feel a little lighter in a much deeper sense of release. But I was becoming more aware than ever.

I didn’t practice asana regularly, I was too drained. Warming up before class became a quick 10 mins roll out of my mat. I sat instead, with a candle burning at my little makeshift alter, set a timer, and for 30 mins sat in mediation.

I sat with all the range of emotions I was feeling. I sat with the sense of irritation I felt when people told me to enjoy my wedding planning! Err how exactly? My mind habitually ran too the lists of – A full time job of teaching, planning, advertising, accounting, and much more – the list’s were becoming simply overwhelming.

But by sitting, being still with just the flow of my breath – I accepted my body was tired and I rested. But most importantly I listened, listened to that softer gentler voice telling me, it was all ok. The fear that had been in the pit of my tummy, awakened to me in the form of actual full-blown excitement. I just had to sit still and witness it. And that feeling of excitement continued to present itself – once I had really sat with it, I really saw how much of my mind habitually runs to past experiences; which are no longer relevant.

I went for short walks to look up to the sky, I lay in bed well past the morning alarm hugging my husband to be, rather than practicing asana. I lay there while instead of feeling of guilty; or just not up to the bar we set ourselves so highly – I enjoyed the warmth, the presence, the feeling of embracing the person that through thick and thin has become my lover, but most importantly my grounding energy and eternal friendship. I felt safe, and a real sense of newfound stillness.

I was simply just doing my best and, that in its self was more than enough.

This year I have committed to slowing down once again, focusing on my practice, but most importantly remembering the true message of Yoga. It simply doesn’t matter what form your stillness comes to light, your own time to feel and observe those deep sensations. What matters is seeing this is the real practice, the taking if off the mat into the world around you and reflecting that love most importantly back to yourself.

Learning to trust in everything you do holds much more ground in life rather than how many arm balances or ‘advanced asana’ you can do. When you create this new found knowledge, and commit to nurturing it as you would a beautiful plant which grows and blossoms, you will naturally develop more compassion, less judgement, and radiate a lot more than the criticism and harsh voices we feed inside.

So what if life throws its up and downs once again, as inevitably it will! Life can spin you up so fast in the air, taking your breath sharply in your chest as it dumps you back down again. But I can truly say 2017 was the year I learnt the most off the mat, and that lead it to be by far my best year yet.

Be you, be real, it’s constant practice of so many forms far beyond the feeling of your yoga mat under your hands and feet.

With much love and gratitude for all things Yoga (and wine!)

Katie xx